Dear Beloved

I often hear a man we know say that it's far more butch for a man to get a grip and tell his wife that he loves her, than for him to think it's more manly to remain gruff and at a distance from his feelings.

I am married to butch man.

My Mr Butch tells me often that he loves me, and his wonderful ways back up those three big words pretty much all the time.

I was wondering...am I 'below par' when it comes to expressing more than a quick 'love you' at the end of a telephone call? Probably.

 I love my husband more now than I ever have! He knows I love him but he probably doesn't know the finer details. The secret little thoughts that pop in to my head that never get voiced, partly because there are so many. Partly because he isn't always with me, and partly because I've spent most of my life avoiding talking about my feelings! To be honest, I dislike it...very much.
 It's not naturally part of my personality to engage willingly in such conversations, and over time I've become a little intolerant of overly emotional people. But, if it's argued that men should be able to talk to their wives in a way that affirms them, and makes them feel secure. Why shouldn't wives? We cook and clean and raise children and need the occasional cuddle, but I for one do not actually say enough.

I know blogging isn't the same as speaking, but this post means that- if it wants to, the world can know how much my husband means to me. Also, typing feelings is a big step for the girl who has often chosen awkward silences over clearing the air with a 'feelings' chat!

 I reckon it's time for me to woman up...

Mr M,

His talent amazes me. I'm constantly surprised by his knowledge and abilities. I'm so proud of what he has achieved.
I love hearing him play a guitar solo!
I spent a long time waiting for him to notice me, and so often I still feel like that giddy 13 year old that lets face it, went totally mental with excitement when ever he looked at me.
I don't know that anyone will know his kindness and patience more than me. (Maybe our daughter when she gets to that stage!)
His graciousness surpasses that of anyone I've ever met.
His dignity and integrity are beautifully woven in with a cracking sense of humour. I even love his crappy jokes!
Pride is not an issue with him. I'm really the wrong side of proud, and his ability to let things go and not take himself to seriously is incredible for me to see.
He's the most gorgeous man I have ever seen, and he more than lives up to his title of Father and Husband.
Just by being himself he has given my character a spring clean and I hope I can be more like him.

Some thoughts on my husband.  I'm not entirely confident I deserve such a man.

A case of correct identity

We completed the Bellbin Team Role Assessment at work last week. As well as a Personal Communication questionnaire.
 I love doing that kind of thing, so when my team leader gave us all the results, I was almost giddy with interest/excitement. I was last to find out what role I naturally take in a team. I sat and listened to everyone else's descriptions, and for the most part was amazed at the accuracy. We all laughed at what we were being labelled as. Titles such as- Plant, Co-ordinator, and Shaper were dished out, qualified astonishingly well, and accompanied by a few blushes, some laughs and a lot of head nodding!

My turn...
 I am a Completer Finisher.

Characteristics
 They have a great capacity for follow-through and attention to detail. They are unlikely to start anything that they can't finish. They are motivated by internal anxiety, yet outwardly, they may appear unruffled.  Typically, they are introverted and require little in the way of external stimulus or incentive.  They can be intolerant of those with a casual disposition. They are not often keen on delegating, preferring to tackle all tasks themselves.



My communication style is- Quietly Confident.
 Helpful traits- Seen as emotionally stable
                     Tower of strength             (???!!!)
                     Used as a sounding board
                     Confidential


Unhelpful traits- Can be seen as aloof
                        Takes too much on
                        Risk of burnout
                        Can be too self critical



I did the questions with my husband and he came out as a Specialist.
 They are dedicated individuals who pride themselves on acquiring technical skills and specialised knowledge.  
Their priorities centre on maintaining professional standards and on furthering and defending their own field.(If one line summed up my husband...this could well be it!)  
While they show great pride in their own subject, they usually lack interest in other people's.  Eventually they become an expert by sheer commitment along a narrow front.  There are few people who have either the single-mindedness or the aptitude to become a first-class specialist.

We work very differently and although these things aren't ever definitive, it was really helpful to see each others styles, and understand how we tick.

I mentioned the unhelpful things, but I still love them in a strange way. These 'results' helped me understand myself a bit better, and even though I actually can seem 'aloof', I'm always just me which I'm happy with.

Can I just say

 It isn't really the British way to burden others with our feelings. Yes, we all have a moan and we might complain openly to people. But to the select few we trust, we may occasionally honour them with our genuine problems or heart-deep worries. And yes, I do think it is an honour to be let in to someone's world of fear of difficulty.

 I'm a standard English example of idle whinging, yet opting for total emotional privacy to the point of accepting lack of sleep over sharing my feelings.

But today is a different day, and the end of a different week, at the end of a different month...life is a bit hard. I'm not going to go into the fine details of my life (the day isn't that different) but I felt the urge to break my own little mold, and to put out there the fact that there are some struggles in my and my husband's life. Not our daughter's of course...life rocks when you're two!

I have a select few people, well two actually, who know why I might cry, or why I may want to throw things across the room. That's enough for me.
 I have been welcomed into other people's select few only recently, simply by being honest and putting my pride aside and talking a little more openly. And in doing so, have realised that it's not just me having difficulty!
 I'm always ready to listen to people, I'm good at being there for people, and I can be discreet. I've not really given others much credit for being able to do the same for me, mainly because I haven't given them the chance to do those things very often.
 I now know that I need good people. If I didn't have them around me, I would honestly end up with mental health issues. The past weeks/ months may have caused destruction if it wasn't for good people in my life. The best are the ones that don't even need to be told that times are tricky.

The point of this post is unclear to me, it was just kind of cyber therapy I suppose. But, as well as being brilliant people, we can also be a little hurtful.

While we can't all be the best of friends, we can at least be sincere in our 'how are you?' and 'have you had a good day?' and give the person we are asking some respect by hoping for an honest response.

As for life, well it will get better, and our big problems will become small ones, then disappear. In the mean time I'm off for a cup of tea.

Button It

I can often say the wrong thing. I can also say things in the wrong way. It has lead to me to lay awake at night panicking about how many lives I've ruined because of my tone of voice, or sob uncontrollably for all the friends I've lost in one day because of my poor choice of words.


 At the same time I can also read WAY too much into what other people have said or how they said it. I can get fixated on trying to work out if they meant anything different, but most of the time I'm really trying to figure out if they hate me or not. Even just a look can send me into a spin of doubt and insecurity.
Most of the time I can get a grip and realize that I do still have friends, and no one is really about to put a brick through my window because I may have said the wrong thing.

 I have discovered, that on the occasions where I have spoken to people I think I've mortally offended, most of the time they don't even know what I'm talking about. I can remember one time where I was actually laughed at for being so apologetic!

I'm using the present tense, but thankfully I should be using the past tense. Since I heard something a couple of years ago, these extreme reactions have calmed to say the least!

 Here's that thing:
 I was listening to somebody tell a story of how someone they knew called to explain what they meant in an earlier conversation and to make sure they hadn't caused offence. Quite a nice thing to do I thought, until the person telling the story said something like " My life doesn't revolve around them and their life doesn't revolve around me. So why should they need to explain themselves to me and why should I need to be apologized to?"
 Interesting. I thought about it, and while at first (because of my naturally apologetic dispostion) it seemed a little brutal, I liked it. It makes sense to me.

I also know a lovely lady who absolutely refuses to be offended because she doesn't see the point, and in the same instance doesn't worry about offending. She isn't rude, she is loved, respected and has plenty of friends.

 I'm not saying that I should be rude to people intentionally, or not expect people to confront me if I have been rude. But the story I heard definitely changed the way I saw things.

Why should I worry about someone's tone of voice so much that it affects me physically? If they really have a problem I'll soon know anyway, and if I do find myself feeling offended...should I really be? If I am then I can mention it and move on- still being able to sleep and not worry about what a horrible person I must be. And also, why should I automatically think that other people care so much about what I say? It's a little big headed really.

Saying all of this though, I am still a person, and I still say the wrong thing and wonder why I let it come out of my mouth.
Sometimes I really should just button it.

Hey Mumma!

Today was my third mother's day. My daughter made me a lovely card with her childminder. She was told to give me a kiss by her dad, and apart from the offer of cooking dinner from Mr Red Door ( ha ha ha ha!), the day was not much different from any other day.  Except for one teeny tiny thing...

...Today I was watching my little girl trying to play with two children that were a bit older than her. They could run faster and climb quicker, and my babe ran behind trying to keep up and join in. She didn't get noticed, and in a very short moment I could feel my eyes well up and my heart race at the thought of my little girl being ignored and left behind. The other children were not being horrible or ignoring her at all, they just didn't see her. But what if anybody did EVER choose to leave my little girl behind? This thought made me want to cry..a lot! I don't sound like a very happy mummy do I? I promise I am.
Being a mum does make me more than happy, and it brings me more joy and contentment than I can begin to explain, but with that happiness does come a heavier feeling of fierce protection.

It was only last night that I was having a conversation with my closest friend about being a mother. We shared similar feelings about the intensity of the love we have for our children. And how when it comes to protecting them... it's primal.
 My friend can be very quiet and calm. She's certainly not one of life's 'gobby' girls, but we know that she could turn into the Hulk without problem if her boys needed her protection.

 I always knew that protective feeling was there from the day she was born, but today somehow reinforced it, and gave me little glimpse into the monster I would be if anybody hurt my baby. I feel like my mum-o-meter has gone up a few notches in the 'feisty' direction. And that's only at the thought of anyone being horrible...no one actually has been yet!

 I'm not foolish enough to think that she won't ever be teased (or indeed do the teasing) or fall out with people as she gets bigger and learns more.  But while she is still just a baby, she has mummy and daddy to make sure that this growing up game is played fair.

My little girl is my finest creation and will be forever and ever. I can't ever be sorry for knowing that my love for her will always win should it come up against anything else.

I have been given the opportunity to love somebody in a way I didn't know was possible.

Now that is something to be Happy Mother's Day about.

Steer clear Germaine Greer!

 The sun is shining. I have the day off work with my little girl. I have cleaned the house, and when my sleeping babe wakes, we will go for a walk and then bake.
 Cleaning the house today got me thinking. I have been known to get a little crabby about housework, and have not seen why it should be my job to look after the house. Especially when I work and have to cook and wash for 3 people daily. Why shouldn't my husband offer to do his fair share?
 Well,1) He does, I'm just a fussy nag.
         2) He works full time, I work part time.
         3) He is a man, and doesn't see mess and dirt the same way I do. And so doesn't understand why I'm asking him to do certain things.
 And more importantly...
          4) I now think that it actually is my job.

I'm absolutely not a feminist. Without getting too political, I'm more of a- women are the fairer sex kinda gal.  I'm not an independent or feisty, suffragette sort of woman.
I'm a mother and a wife who likes to stay at home and look after her family and home. But here's the thing....I'm just going to put it out there...I don't have a problem with my husband expecting me to do so.

Hold the phone!!

I'm not saying everyone must agree. But I do think nesting/home making comes naturally to women, even if they don't ever do it. A woman just knows how to make something look a little bit nicer. A woman has watched her mum iron, hang out washing, make a lasagne, or beat the rugs (!) in a particular way for all her life. So things that aren't naturally built in are soon learned, probably without realizing.

I am much better at cleaning and tidying than my husband. I'm certainly a much better cook! But as much as I might like the idea of sitting with a cup of tea while he cleans and cooks, I know that he wouldn't have the chance because, I'd be right behind the poor man correcting him! I can't relax while somebody other than me is doing a chore while I'm in the house. If I ask my husband to load the dishwasher, I can't sit, I have to do a job too. It doesn't feel right to let somebody do what should be my (sometimes boring and grotty) job.

 Some ladies might think I'm old fashioned, and I totally am! I'm very happy with the housework being down to me. I know I can make a clean and tidy home for my family to enjoy and relax in. There is something about lasting mess in my house that makes things seem a little tense and loud somehow. So, if my house looks nice, I feel better and my family are happy. And, occasionally my husband will even give me kiss and thank me for working hard to make his home lovely, which is always a nice little surprise!

Stitch stitch stitch.

During our television ban, I needed something to help fill my evenings.  My lovely friend taught me how to knit one night and I rather like it.  My work is a little scruffy but it's good fun. I refuse to start with the obligatory scarf though, so I'm knitting little pieces and will sew them together to make a blanket.
 However, It will possibly be the scruffiest blanket ever made- I drop the odd stitch here and there and forget what stitch I'm meant to be doing next, but I'm sure it will come together and function perfectly well (Hopefully).

 I still don't know what I want to be when I grow up.
 A little daunting seeing as I've suddenly realized that in no time at all... I have grown up! I've told you that I would like to be a baker, but the truth is there are lots of things I would like to do and there always has been. It started when I was about 6 and I wanted to be a news reader. I then went through the police officer and doctor phase. Soon followed was being a teacher, interior designer and actress. If you can see a theme, you may know me better than I do!

The way my life worked out meant that I left college at 17 and started full time work. I won't say that I'm sad about that because if it was different I wouldn't have my cheeky little family, but there is a slight career shaped hole in me that doesn't seem to be going.

 Am I meant to be a full time mummy? Am I meant to stay and be content in my current job? (Which I do love, but am quite sure I don't see myself being there forever).  Am I meant to be brave and pursue the number one career choice that hasn't left me since I was 16?

I don't know.

But I think that's ok. I don't think there is anything wrong with getting to school leaving age and feeling a little lost. When I was 16, I thought that I was all grown up and able to make big decisions. Wrong! I was a baby and had not a hint of the direction I wanted to take my life in.

Since then my life has been like a long knit-a-thon. It's looked like it's going smoothly in one stitch, but I've then got stuck or had changes to deal with that meant my stitch changed abruptly and made things seem a bit of a mess. I've made bad decisions and consequently dropped a stitch and created a hole that will probably always be there. Thankfully, I'm not the knitter of my life though.  I'm just the wool, and any holes that I make don't actually mean that things are ruined.

 My little knitted pieces will be a bit messy, they will have mistakes in, and will generally be far from perfect. But I'll carry on and enjoy doing the best I can to make something lovely.

 As for my career...maybe time to be brave.